


Better Now?

by noshitstark



Series: Better Now? [1]
Category: Avengers (Comics), Bucky Barnes - Fandom, Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types, Winter Soldier (Comics)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Avengers Family, Domestic Avengers, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Heavy Angst, Hydra (Marvel), Marvel Universe, Murder, SHIELD, Superfamily (Marvel)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-06
Updated: 2018-11-11
Packaged: 2019-06-22 13:49:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 15,869
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15583341
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/noshitstark/pseuds/noshitstark
Summary: You were 18 when Hydra kidnapped you, gave you your abilities, and made you their new weapon. Now, flash-forward 9 years later and you’re living with the Avengers, trying to live with everything you did.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings: angst, language, details of torture, and suicidal thoughts.
> 
> Notes: I’m starting over guys! I decided to make a prologue since the first chapter was getting into 6k words. I really hope I don’t disappoint! I’m actually a lot happier with how this one is going! Give me feedback guys, thanks xx

This story starts of simple, but tragic, and almost 9 years ago, when Y/N was barely 18 years old. It happened about two weeks into her summer holiday when she decided to head back home and visit her family in Dresden, Germany. Back then, she had just finished her first year of college at LMU Munich University, where she was majoring in Microbiology, hoping to be a Genetic researcher, help cure cancer things like that. It was late at night, about 11 PM, when her car decided that that was the perfect time to leave her stranded on the side of the highway. She wasn’t exactly handy when it came to cars, that was more of her Father’s thing, so she thought all hope was lost. Just when she was about to completely give up, she was lucky enough to wave down a passing car, thinking that they would help— she was wrong. The people in the car ended up being some soldiers for Hydra, at the time she had no idea what that was or what they did, she would soon fine out.

They took her to their main headquarters that they decided to base in the vast Russian wilderness, away from curious eyes. There they had all the latest technology, weapons, and torture devices, and they focused the later part on Y/N. Day after day for 8 years she was tortured, experimented on, and used as a weapon. It seemed like every day they found a new way to make her scream. From water boarding to wiring her up to a car battery and shocking the shit outta her. There was never a dull day or a sleep filled night— it’s there that she obtained her powers. Her powers are well, odd, the lead scientist there called it cryokinesis. To put it simply, she can manipulate anything cold, like ice, water, frost, and some other things, even after 8 years she’s still learning how to control them.

When it was discovered that the team had given her powers, they told her that she was to be their new weapon and that she was destined to change the world. She, however, didn’t believe a word any of them said, but she did as she was told, hoping that one day she would be released. Y/N could infiltrate enemy bases with ease and take them down in a matter of minutes, all by herself. She hated how easy it all was for her, but the more she did it, the less she cared. She eventually grew cold and harsh, caring not about others and even less about herself, nothing mattered to her anymore. Killing became like second nature, a reflex really. At first, she told herself that if she made them happy they may eventually let her go; but after 4 years, she gave up hope on ever escaping or even being happy.

Years into her captivity, S.H.I.E.L.D got word from an informant that Hydra had started doing illegal human experimentation, and agents infiltrated the base a few weeks later to put an end to it. The moment the gunshots and screams started, Y/N was convinced that they were going to kill her as well because of all the things that she had done. When they did find her, she was in the corner of her cell, cowering from fear, hand glowing an icy white, ready to defend herself. One of the agents, an archer named Clint Barton, took it upon himself to try and coax her out, he sat on the floor of her cell and talked to her like a frightened little kitten. To this day, she still doesn’t know why, but she trusted him, perhaps it was his kind eyes or his soft voice, but he convinced her that she was safe.

She was eventually interviewed by Clint's boss, a man named Phil Coulson, he was also very kind, understanding, and acted as if he really did want to help. He told her that she wasn’t to blame for what had happened or for the things that she had done, she was the victim in all of this, and that if she let him, he would do what he could to help her move on.

After many many hours, Phil eventually decided that Y/N would be a good asset to the team, telling her that her powers didn’t have to be a curse, she could do good by them. Y/N however, didn’t want any part of it, all she wanted was to return home and try to pick up what remained of her life. When Phil began talking about taking her to America with them, she panicked, she didn’t want to go there, she wanted to be on her own— finally. All the talk about leaving gave her this sickening feeling in her stomach that they were just going to stick her in a room and watch her like some freak. She decided then that her best option was to fight her way out and escape— which she did.

Unfortunately for her though, once she got free she became lost because she knew nothing about where she was begin kept, except that it was in a frigid forest. She was alone in the snow covered forest for three days when she started to lose hope. Despite how much she hated her life, she didn’t really want to die, but she figured it was what she truly deserved.

Just as she thought all was lost, Agent Barton found her, cowered against a tree, covered in fresh snow. He sat down on the ground next to her and talked to her for about an hour. It was mostly a one sided conversation, Clint talked about how much he missed his dog, how long he’d been a SHIELD agent, and how damn cold the ground was. After a while she sat up and looked him the eyes, growing more relaxed by his presence. He then informed her that in the end, going to the states was really her choice, and if she didn’t want to go they wouldn’t force it on her. Despite not knowing anything about her, Clint said he saw a lot of potential in her, saying it seemed like she had a big heart and he thought she would do amazing things. She was warmed by his strange confidence in her, and decided that moving forward would be best, instead of dwelling on the past.

Once in America, Y/N was placed in a secret government facility because some members of Phil's team were still unsure of her and they wanted to know the true extent of her powers. After a while she started to believe that she traded her old cell for a bright and shiny new one. There was a bed, desk, and a toilet, all in the same room, it was small and compact, no color, just blank steel walls. She wasn’t sure how long she was going to be there because no one ever told her when or if she’d be released. She tried her best to cooperate with everyone, hoping that that would show them that she wasn’t Hydra, she was just a small town girl from Germany, but nothing she did seemed to help. She saw a bunch of doctors and scientists over her many months there. She ended up growing a friendship with one scientist in particular, a man named Dr. Bruce Banner. He was kind, gentle, and genuine. He listened to every word she said and she could tell that he really did care about what happened to her, almost like he understood the torment that she was going through.


	2. Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You were 18 when Hydra kidnapped you, gave you your abilities, and made you their new weapon. Now, flash-forward 9 years later and you’re living with the Avengers, trying to live with everything you did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: angst, language, details of torture, mentions of murder, and suicidal thoughts.
> 
> Notes: This chapter is angsty as hell, so I’m sorry! I cried writing it, so good luck! Let me know what you guys think!

**PRESENT DAY**

It’s been three months since Clint and Phil convinced you to go with them to the states and you thought it’d be more— _spacious_. Even though you weren’t living the life you thought you would be when you got here, you were _truly_ grateful that they rescued you at all since they really didn’t have too.

About once or twice a week Clint Barton would stop by and spend some time with you. When he first came to visit, it was pretty shocking since you didn’t expect to ever see him again, but he told you that he needed to make sure you were getting better and that you were adjusting alright. Every time he came by, he always brought you something, whether it be a book, a bracelet he thought you’d like, or another sketch pad, he always had something. He even eventually convinced Fury to let you have a TV, telling him that you needed to know what was going on in the world if you were ever going to feel normal. _In reality_ , he just wanted you to know what Netflix was, so that you both could binge watch the same show. After everything you had been through, it was nice to have someone take a _positive_ interest in you, actually _care_.

Over time, you had also become quite close to Dr. Banner. He was one of the many scientists that you had seen over your time here, but he was the one that you liked best. Bruce never pressed you if you didn’t want to answer a question, unlike the other people you saw; most of the time you would just talk about the news, your favorite things, just small talk really. Eventually, Bruce was the only one who would come in to see how you were doing, which you were completely fine with, he made you feel normal. After spending most of your time with him, he ended up talking a lot more, even opened up a little. He told you about each of the Avengers hoping to convince you that they weren’t all bad. It’s not that you thought they were bad people, it’s just more of the fact that you weren’t up to living with a bunch of strangers and being a “hero” for a change.

 

* * *

 

“So Y/N, how are you doing today,” Bruce softly smiles as he walks into the room, “still feeling alright?”

“Sure, if you call living in this hell-hole, alright,” you roll your eyes and stand up from the bed, “how are you, sir?”

“I’m doin’ good,” he smiles from behind the protective energy field, as he touches the panel in front of him, “how would you like to get out of here?” he looks back up and gestures to the surrounding room, “I’m not saying you can go home, but you could leave here.”

You raise an eyebrow and walk up closer to the man, “Why? Do I need to be kept in a smaller cell or something?”

He shakes his head, “No, nothing like that. You’ve been doing quiet well here and I know that you don’t mean any harm to us,” he begins to fidget with his hands and looks at the floor, “have you changed your mind about joining the Avengers?”

You roll your eyes at his words and cross your arms, “I have no interest in saving the world, sir, so I’m still gonna go with no.”

“I thought you wanted to redeem yourself,” he tilts his head sideways and looks you over, “how do you expect to do that from in here?”

You purse your lips and thought for a moment, “I haven’t gotten all the kinks figured out yet, but I would like the chance to go back home.”

“And do what exactly,” he raises an eyebrow, “not to sound harsh, but you know you’re family’s gone, so what’s there for you? Why not start over here?”

He did make a good point, there wasn’t anything or any _one_ left at home since Hydra had murdered your family almost 8 years ago. Still though, you didn’t want to be an Avenger right now, just seemed way too big, you wanted to start small, like rescue dogs or something.

“I just don’t think becoming an Avenger is what my future holds right now, sir.”

“ _Why not?_ ”

You raise an eyebrow at the unfamiliar voice and peak you head around Bruce, only to find another man standing in the dark corner. What scared you though was that you never even heard him enter, maybe you was getting rusty or something. He notices you looking at him suspiciously, chuckles to himself, and walks into the light. He was slightly taller than Bruce, but a bit more well built. His black hair was spiked up and he had a nicely trimmed goatee. He had on a tight fitting black suit, blue tie, and dark framed glasses. I couldn’t help thinking he looked familiar.

He raises an eyebrow and speaks again, “Why wouldn’t you want to be one of us?”

You look him up and down, then tilt your head curiously, “I’m sorry, but do I know you?”

“I’m sorry,” Bruce shakes his head and chuckles lightly, “Y/N, this is Tony Stark. Tony, this is Y/F/N.”

You tense up and your eyes grow wide, “Iron man?”

They both laugh at your recollection and you feel your cheeks grow hot from embarrassment.

Tony looks you up and down, “Sometimes. It’s nice to finally meet you. I’ve heard a lot of good things about you from quiet a few people. Thought I’d come down here to see what all the fuss was about,” he winks at me and smiles.

“Um, thanks,” you look to the ground, your normal confidence _gone_.

“Anyway,” Tony looks over the file that he has in his hands, " _Frost_ huh? Nice codename, it fits,” he puts it down on a nearby table and you glance towards it. It had your picture on the front with the name that Hydra given you, "you have some impressive abilities.”

"I suppose, I'd rather I'd gotten them a different way.”

"Understandable," Tony agrees, "how about you put them to good use then? Save some people, put that brain of yours to work. Banner here says you’re a smart one and Barton seems to agree.”

“No thanks, like I said, I have no interest in saving _anyone_.”

Tony sighs and shakes his head, “A girl like you with so much talent should want to do more, so why not?”

You run a hand through your long hair and start to pace, “It’s not that I _don’t_ want to save the world. It’s just, I’m a girl from Dresden, I’m not meant for something that big!”

“So,” Bruce tilts his head to the side, “you think since you’re from a small town, you can’t save the world?”

“Dresden isn’t small…” you say quietly.

“Then what is it?” Tony rolls his eyes, growing impatient.

“I’m _scared_ ok,” you confess and being to ramble as you look to the floor, “I was used as a weapon for some crazy Nazis' for 8 years. I’ve killed so many people, men, women, even a few kids, I once killed a damn _horse_ , there’s just too much blood on my hands. Since I’ve been here, I’ve been _trying_ to come to terms with everything I’ve done, since I know I can’t change any of it. Some days I make progress, I smile more, talk a little, and I start to feel better; but others, I fall right back into my pit of _goddamn_ despair, telling myself that I deserve to die. On top of all that shit, I don’t even trust myself to start doing the right thing, at least _not yet_ anyway _;_ I just can’t trust my own _stupid_ judgment,” you pause and sigh as you feel tears trail slowly down your cheeks, “ _plus_ , my entire family is dead; Mom, Dad, sister, my fucking _cat_ , all of them. I honestly just don’t have a reason to be a hero, like it’s a nice fairytale, but what’s the fucking _point_?” you finally look back to them to find that they are thoroughly listening to you, with somber faces, “I have no friends, no family, no one loves me, no one even _likes_ me. The people at this damn place don’t even trust me enough to put the fucking _barrier_ down,” you chuckle while trying to fight back the growing tears, “so yeah, I’m scared. It’s not even about dying. I’ve thought about how to kill myself for almost 9 years, but I’ve never had the fucking guts to act on it, which I guess is good. All I’m scared of now is to actual live,” you pause and look at them, “if I continue living, who do I live for?”

After you’re done, Tony hits a button on the panel and the energy shield comes down, startling you. He takes big steps to reach you and pulls you in for a big hug, “You continue living for _you_ ,” you hadn’t had loving human contact in years and froze, unsure of what to do, but eventually melted into him, nuzzling into his chest, “this is your life, darling. If you come with us, _we’ll_ be your family,” he held you for a few more moments, then let you go and held you out at arms reach, “don’t go thinking that family is _only_ blood. I’ll take care of you, ok?”

“Me too,” Bruce walks up to you both and smiles, “you’ve made a big difference in my life, in a _good_ way."

You smile at them both, _maybe they were right_. You weren’t exactly close and loving with your parents, but you still missed them. You missed your sister the most, she meant the world to you. You never got to say goodbye or get one last, “ _I love you_ ” from her, and that will always haunt you; but that doesn’t mean you should stop living, none of them would want that.

You look back and forth between the two men in front of you and take a deep calming breath. Both of them have been through a lot, yet here they were, wiling to help some bat shit crazy girl get her life back on track. They barely know you, it made you feel special. You haven’t had people care about you like this in _years_.

You sniffle a bit, “What if everyone else doesn’t feel the same way?”

“Tony is the most difficult one to get along with and he just gave you a hug,” Bruce chuckles causing Tony to roll his eyes, “they’re gonna love you.”

 

* * *

 

When you first got to the Avengers Compound, it was extremely overwhelming. Between all the jets and voices overhead, you were starting to get a horrid migraine, it was just a lot all at once. Once inside, Tony introduces you to everyone and they were all really nice and welcoming. Each of them shook your hand, gave you a pat on the shoulder, or in Wanda’s case gave you hug.

“I’m so glad you’re finally here,” Clint puts his hand on your shoulder, squeezing it gently, which made you smile, “you’re gonna love it.”

You chuckle, “Well, it is better than that cell I was in.”

You shake Steve’s hand next and he smiles, “It’s nice to have you on board.”

“Um, thanks,” you let go of his hand, “I’m still not sure what my part is in all of this, but here I am.”

“So what can you _all_ _do_?” Sam asks excitedly and then looks around at everyone glaring at him, “Oh come on, I know I’m not the only one wondering!”

“Still man,” Rhodey rolls his eyes, “she just got here.”

Sam glares at him, “I was just curious!”

You chuckle at their banter and shrug, “It’s ok, it’s not like it needs to be a secret,” they all turn to you and smile, “I can manipulate ice, water, frost, basically anything cold,” you shrug, “since working with Bruce, I’ve learned a few things. If I’m calm enough, I can create a snow storm,” I smile weakly.

“That’s _so_ awesome,” Sam grins which made you tilt your head in confusion. You’ve never had anyone tell you that what you could do was cool, you’ve always thought you were some sort of a freak.

“I don’t know about _awesome_ , but it is what it is.”

 

* * *

 

After a bit more small talk with the team, Tony decides that he would give you a tour of the place. You knew it was a big compound, you’d seen pictures and heard stories, but you didn’t realize how extensive it _really_ was. The place had a _huge_ gym, for combat training and for those who just wanted to lift weights. On the other side of the gym there was a sauna, you weren’t exactly sure what that was, but Tony explained it. There was also a bunch of different conference rooms, hangar where they kept the Quinjets, basketball court, bowling ally, swimming pool on the roof, and each Avenger had their own room. Tony also showed you his lab that was in the basement, he made sure you understood you could come down and see him whenever since he spent 99% of his time there anyway. Your last stop was the R &D lab, which is where you ran into Dr. Banner.

“So I see you’re showing our new trainee around, Tony,” Bruce smirks without looking up from what he was working on.

“I didn’t expect to find you here, sir,” you raise an eyebrow and sat on a stool across from him, “why are you here?” you eye the piece of machinery he was working on, but didn’t recognize any of it.

“I help out occasionally with new research, new tech, things like that,” he looks up, “now that you’re going to be living here, I’ll be around a bit more.”

“To monitor me and make sure I don’t kill anyone?”

He scoffs, “To _help_ you,” he continues, “you’re not a guinea pig here, Y/N, I’m not going to do any experiments on you. All I’m doing is making sure you’re comfortable in your own skin and that you feel safe here,” he shrugs, “so if you think there’s something I can do to help, don’t hesitate to let me know.”

“That’s a lot coming from you, Banner,” Tony pats his shoulder, “but I guess you would know all about that.”

Bruce looks at Tony and shakes his head, “Don’t turn this on me. If I can help her be happy, then that’s all that matters.”

“I wouldn’t say I’m _un_ happy,” you interject, “I just, I need some time to get use to all of this. It’s all so new,” you look around the room trying to take everything in, “most of this tech I’ve never even seen before and those jets back at the hanger are so advanced! I never flew anything like that when I was with Hydra,” you purse your lips, “it’s just gonna take me some time to get use to everything.”

“Of course,” Tony smiles and walks back over to you, “I can show you where your room is if you want.”

You smile, “That would be _great_.”

 

* * *

 

“So this one is yours,” Tony opens the door and gestures to the room, “Wanda is across the hall and Barton is next door.”

You walk inside and smile, “Mr. Stark, I-I don’t know what to say,” you can feel tears start to form at the corners of your eyes, “um, thank you.”

“No problem, hun, you’re home now, so make yourself comfortable,” he smiles and gives you a small hug, “if you need anything, don’t hesitate to let me know. Even to just, I dunno, talk or something,” you nod and thank him again as he closes the door behind him.

You look around the room and tears start to slowly fall from you eyes. You weren’t sad, these were _happy_ tears. You haven’t been in a _normal_ bedroom in 9 years, and it sure was a beautiful room too. The walls were painted a soft white, with a grey accent wall behind the queen-sized bed, and the floors were a dark brown wood. The bed was on the far wall farthest from the door underneath a pair of skylights, the sheets were a dark grey with a bunch of accent pillows on it, there was even a fluffy grey rug underneath it that matched the paint on the walls. There was a large dresser on one side of the room with a wood desk next to it and in front of the large window.

There were various pictures along each wall, mostly scenery shots or watercolor paintings, but there was one picture that caught your attention, it was in a small frame on the desk. You slowly walk over to it, pick it up, and smile big. It was a picture that you hadn’t seen in _years_ , it was one of you and your older sister on her 18th birthday. It had always been one of your favorite pictures, you both were wrapped in a hug, cheek to cheek, and looking at the camera with huge smiles on your faces. Kylie always had the most gorgeous smile, it was what drew people to her, yours had always been more awkward. You had no idea where that picture came from since you never had the chance to return home, but it instantly made you feel better.

You set the picture down, walk over to the bed and sit down at the end, it was a lot comfier than it looked. You hum happily to yourself and lay down for minute or two with your legs dangling off the edge. You then sit back up and crawl to the head of the bed deciding to get underneath the covers and take a nap. Even though it was two in the afternoon, you felt exhausted, you didn’t want to do anything else for a while.


	3. Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You were 18 when Hydra kidnapped you, gave you your abilities, and made you their new weapon. Now, flash-forward 9 years later and you’re living with the Avengers, trying to live with everything you did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: angst, language, mentions of torture, and a little bit of fluff.
> 
> Notes: Please let me know what you guys think!

**TWO DAYS LATER**

“Do you think she’s ok?” Natasha asks while sipping her coffee, “I mean, it’s been _two_ days and none of us have even seen her.”

“F.R.I.D.A.Y. said she’s just been sleeping. Lord knows the last time that girl’s gotten a good night’s rest,” Tony says picking at his food, but eventually pushes the plate away, “we all knew this might happen at first.”

"I dunno man," Rhodey sighs, leaning back in his chair, "I'm starting to get worried."

"Just give her some space,” Wanda chimes in, “she’ll come out when she’s ready, we can’t force that on her."

"Alright, but how do we know if she’s eating?” Rhodey asks, “None of us have actually _seen_ her eat.”

“Well,” Wanda purses her lips and stands up from the table to walk into the kitchen, “I’ll make her a plate and set it outside her door, so she doesn’t have to come out, and she can eat if she's hungry.”

“Like she’s a kitten?” Bucky laughs and Wanda glares at him, “Ok, sorry, that was mean.”

Wanda rolls her eyes, “She clearly isn’t ready to come and join us yet, which is understandable,” she then glares at Bucky, “ _you_ should be more understanding.”

“I _said_ sorry,” Bucky’s voice darkens, “trust me, I _do_ understand.”

 

* * *

 

You were laying in bed staring up at the night sky through the skylights above your bed. You hadn’t really _looked_ at the sky in years, you almost forgot how beautiful it could be. You watch the stars twinkle down brightly, dancing in the sky, making you smile. Ever since you were a little girl the sky always fascinated you. Back home in Dresden, on Saturday nights your older sister, Kylie, would take you out to this field outside the city limits, it was remote, and not many people knew about it. You both would lay out a blanket and watch the stars, for _hours_. She always told you that she loved how happy you were when you were looking at them. Kylie and you were really close, she meant the world to you since your parents weren’t exactly the greatest.

You lay there reminiscing, wondering what your future will hold, when you hear a soft knock at your door, and you freeze, “Hey, Y/N, it’s Wanda. I brought you some food. I’ll leave it out here for you ok?”

You let out the breath you didn't even realize you were holding and get up from your bed. You weren’t trying to avoid them, honest, you just didn’t want to make small talk with anyone yet. You didn’t know what to say, you had nothing to really talk about. You take a deep breath as you reach for the doorknob and open it.

“ _Oh_ ,” Wanda was still there holding the plate, “I didn’t expect you to come to the door,” she smiles softly and hands it to you, “it’s spaghetti, Steve made it.”

You take the plate and fake a small smile, “I didn’t know Captain America could cook.”

Wanda giggles and shrugs, “He’s actually really good, just don’t tell him I said that,” she winks at you and starts to walk away, when you call out to her.

“Um, c-can I ask you something?” she turns back around and nods, so you continue, “I hope this doesn't bother you, but, uh, Banner told me that you went through, um, something similar to me,” you take a deep breath and continue, “he didn't tell me what, but um, I was wondering how did you get use to all of this?”

She nods slowly, "Well, I'm going to be honest with you, I didn't get kidnapped, I volunteered for, um, all of that," she sighs and fidgets with her fingers, “but when my brother died that's when reality hit me the hardest. See, we were twins, we did everything together, he was my world, and then suddenly he was gone," she shakes herself and then looks to you, “I did like you did though, stayed in my room, not ready to face the world alone,” she pauses, “I didn’t go through exactly what you did, so I can’t tell you the right way to adjust. Everyone is different, so do what _you_ need to make yourself better.”

“I’m not making anyone mad by staying in here, am I?”

“No, of course not,” she smiles softly, “everyone here has been through _something_ at one point in life. We will give you time and space because it can help.”

You nod, “Thanks.”

“If you need anything or if you want to talk to someone, I’m right across the hall. No matter the time, just come and get me,” she smiles sweetly and you nod, “now eat, food helps too.”

 

* * *

 

**TWO WEEKS LATER**

You look at yourself in the mirror, Wanda had given you some of her clothes last week because she was worried; you tried to refuse, but that was pointless, she was really strong willed for such a small person. She gave you a pair of jeans and a t-shirt that had a picture of a pug in a top hat on it— you love dogs. Clint had stopped by as well, shortly after Wanda had, to give you a little present of his own before he left for a mission. It was a small friendship bracelet that he had made a few days before, he even made himself one to match it. It had a small silver arrow charm which was threaded through some purple string. It was simple, but you absolutely _loved_ it and haven't taken it off since.

Today, you decided that you would venture out of your room and see what all went on during the day. You were hoping that since it’s one in the afternoon, most people would be busy or on a mission, so you wouldn't have to really talk to anyone. You take a deep breath and slowly open your door and walk down the hallway, deciding that food would come first, so you head in the direction of the kitchen.

“ _Hey Y/N, what’s up_?”

You barley make it into the kitchen when a voice catches you off guard. You look in the direction it came from, to find Steve and Bucky playing chess on one side of the room, near the window, “Oh, um, I got hungry.”

They both nod but don't look your way, so you make your way into the kitchen to see what’s stocked. You weren’t _extremely_ hungry, you really just wanted a snack. Dinner here seemed to usually consist of a bunch of food, so you didn’t want to get too full. You open the fridge and scan the shelves, not having any idea of what you wanted.

“There’s some apples if you just want something small,” you turn around and see Bucky smiling at you from a nearby stool, “Barton said those are your favorite,” he points to the apples that were on the counter and you smile slightly, Clint was right, you love green apples.

“Um, thanks,” you close the fridge, pick up one from the basket, and rinse it off in the sink, “so, what are you guys doing?” you ask without making eye contact.

“We’re playing chess, but Steve isn’t very good.”

“I heard that,” Steve shouts from across the room, still staring at the board, “I’m rusty, ok.”

You smile and Bucky rolls his eyes, “Do you play?”

You take a bite of your apple, “I haven’t played since,” you take a deep breath, “um, it’s been a while.”

He smiles gently, “Well, if you want, you can play winner.”

“No thanks, I was gonna walk around for a bit,” you look to the floor nervously, "um, is Clint or Wanda around?”

His smile fades slightly and he shakes his head, "Wanda went shopping across the street with Pepper, and then Barton is still on a mission," he looks to the ceiling, thinking, "he should be back in a day or two," he then looks back to you and smiles sweetly, which just made you more nervous, you've never been good around attractive people, "Barton talks about you a lot, you two seem close."

You shrug, "I don't know how close, but he did make me this," you lift up your left hand and show him the bracelet, "I really like it, purple is my favorite color, he has one that matches it too," you take another bite of your apple to try and distract your nerves.

He smiles and looks at you wrist where the bracelet was, "That's sweet, it's nice to know he can make friends outside Nat."

You bring your arm back down and tilt your head, looking at his arm, _just_ noticing it was all metal. It’s not that you knew _nothing_ about the people here, but you weren’t exactly keeping up with the news while being tortured. Bruce did tell you a few things, but you don't recall him saying anything about a metal arm. Clint had mention that Bucky had been tortured as well, he even suggested you talk with him about some things— you didn’t wanna do that. You didn’t want to revisit your past just yet.

You nod your head toward his arm, “Does it hurt?”

His eyes widen and he looks at his arm then back to you, “Um, not physically.”

You continue eating your apple and nod, “I get it,” you look at your hands and shake your head. You then finish your apple and toss it to the trash can, “I’ll see you around then.”

“Do you want someone to go with you?” he stands up quickly and walks over to you, but not getting too close, “I can show you around if you want. It can be a little overwhelming at first.”

You smile shyly, “Um, thank you, but I wanna be alone right now.”

He purses his lips and smiles flatly, “Ok, see you later.”

You then wave to Steve and begin your journey through the compound.


	4. Part 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You were 18 when Hydra kidnapped you, gave you your abilities, and made you their new weapon. Now, flash-forward 9 years later and you’re living with the Avengers, trying to live with everything you did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: angst, language, mentions of torture, and a little bit of fluff.
> 
> Notes: Please let me know what you guys think!

Bucky watches you walk out of the room and turns back to Steve, who’s watching him with a smirk, “What?”

“You’re obvious, ya know that?” Steve shrugs and continues, “Good thing for you that she doesn’t know you well enough to notice.”

Bucky knew what Steve meant, but he didn’t want to talk about it, “Obvious about what?” he walks back over to the table and sits down.

“You never talk to new people," Steve says while looking at the chess table, "she’s beautiful, so I get it,” Steve tries to hide a smile, but is unsuccessful, “just don’t do anything stupid.”

“I’m not going to do _anything,_ I was just trying to be nice.”

Which was true, Y/N was still recovering from what Hydra had done to her and Bucky knew all too well what that entailed. He just thought she could use someone to talk to, who knew what it was like to be used that way, to tell her ways to cope, or to help distract her. Then again she had Clint and Bruce for all of that. _Why would she need him_?

After living here for a few yeas, the nightmares had gotten better, no where near gone, but he was able to sleep better. Bucky was even able to go on missions, although Steve didn’t let him go on as many as he really wanted. He’s better with talking to people too, still awkward around a few— like Tony— but he knew that would get better, it would just take some time.

“If you say so,” Steve said mater-of-factly and turns his attention back to the game.

 

* * *

 

“ _Holy shit,_ this place is huge,” you say under your breath.

“Yeah, it can be a bit much at first,” Bruce said chuckling, “but you’ll get use to it, you’re a smart girl.”

You had managed to find your way to the R&D lab and decided to stick around and watch Bruce work. It was really interesting and if you had a question he would bring it down to your level so that you could understand it. You weren’t _extremely_ dense, you'd been studying Microbiology before you got kidnapped, so you knew a few things. Right now, Bruce was working on an implant that would help you control your powers better.

You wrinkle your nose at the device on the table, “So this is going in my brain?”

“Not exactly,” he touches a spot right behind your ear, “just right here. It’ll help you focus, so that you can control your powers more without being so tired. _Plus_ , it’ll calm your nerves, so that you don’t have another incident like the other night.”

You shudder slightly as you recall that night. You had F.R.I.D.A.Y. call Bruce, one night because your left hand was frozen in a block of ice and you couldn’t move your legs. He told you it was due to stress and a new living situation, but promised he would help. Thankfully, Wanda was able to relax your mind enough to unfreeze your hand and get your legs back to normal, even with her powers, it still took some time.

“How exactly will it do that?” You eye it suspiciously— it was so tiny, about the size of a almond.

“Right now, your brain is hyper-active. It’s sensing every thing around you as a potential threat. So,“ he types on his tablet and a screen pops up— a recent scan of your brain, “we need to get your amygdala to calm down. You know what that is right?” he smirks, always testing you. 

“Yeah,” you chuckle, “it’s responsible for knowing when there’s a threat and it tags memories to emotions. So,” you look at your brain scan a bit more— it did look off, so did a lot of things, “you’re telling me that it’s basically just overreacting?”

He shrugs, “In basic sense, yeah, your brain thinks you’re in constant danger, thinking your past memories are your present.”

“So I have PTSD, basically.”

He nods, “Yeah, which considering what you’ve been through isn’t shocking, I’d be surprised if after everything you came out unscathed,” he sighs, “and since you have enhanced abilities, it’s using your powers to try and protect you; hence why you had a frozen hand.”

“Then my hippocampus isn’t working properly either?”

He smiles, “It’s nice to have another intelligent person to talk to, besides Tony,” you both laugh and he answers your question, “no, it’s not. For the most part, it’s trying. This,” he points to the chip that was one the table, “is going to help counteract them both and hopefully let you sleep in peace and lessen your panic attacks as well. It’s not permeant, it’s just to help for right now,” he taps on his tablet again and your brain scan goes away, “Tony designed the part that is gonna help you control your powers, he’s better at that than I am.”

“Can’t we just find a cure for me instead?”

He shrugs, “If that were possible, don’t you think I’d use it on myself?”

You frown and sigh, “You’re right, sorry.”

“It’s ok. Besides, you asked for my help, so this is me helping,” he smiles flatly.

You rest your chin in your hand, “Is it gonna hurt?”

“No, I promise. It’ll feel like a needle stick that’s it, but you’ll be asleep anyway.”

You smile, “Ok, good. Thanks.”

“Not a problem,” he smiles back at you and went back to work, “so have you gotten to know any of the team yet?”

“Well, Wanda lives across the hall and she’s been amazing, she comes over every once in a while to make sure I’m still breathing. Then Barton is next door and he’s really funny, gets my mind off the hell that _is_ my life. He always brings me coffee in the mornings, but I never drink it, it’s just not like the stuff back home,” you shrug and purse your lips, “then this morning I ran into Captain Rogers and Sergeant Barnes.”

He shakes his head at your formality, “Did you talk to them?”

“The Sergeant wanted me to play chess, but um, I said no.”

“Oh,” he glances at you, “well he doesn’t know about that, so you can’t be upset with him.”

“Oh I know, I’m not,” you pause, “he was just trying to be nice and I appreciate it, I do,” you start to play with a screwdriver that wasn’t being used, “he offered to show me around the place too.”

“He’s a good guy, don’t let the arm scare you. He’s been through a lot, just like you.”

“I’m not _scared_ of him,” you glare at him playfully, “I just don’t want to get close to anyone right now.”

“You realize that you can’t say that,” you turn around and roll your eyes when you see Tony, “you’re literally baring your soul to, _Banner_ of all people.”

You turn your attention back to your screwdriver, “Hello, Mr. Stark.”

“It’s Tony and hello to you too,” he walks up behind you and takes the screwdriver from you, making you pout, “this isn’t a toy, kid.”

“It’s a screwdriver _and_ I’m 27, how does that make me a kid?”

“You’re acting like one,” he sets the screwdriver down— where you can’t reach it— and continues, “anyway, how’s the chip coming?”

“It’s almost done, maybe next week,” Bruce says returning to his work, “I’ll need F.R.I.D.A.Y. to run some tests on it, to make sure it’s functional before we implant it.”

“Alright, great,” he smiles— proud of his friend, “I have a board meeting to be at, but I wanted to check in,” he walks by you and puts his hand on your shoulder and looks you over, “when you’re ready for new clothes, just say the word, and Pepper would be more than happy to go shopping with you.”

You laugh, “What’s wrong with this?”

He gave you a judgmental look, “You’re wearing a shirt with a pug on it.”

“So? You got something against dogs?”

“No, it’s just— weird,” he shakes his head and walks away, “see you both later!”

You both nod at Tony and you get up from your stool, “Well, I think I’ll walk around some more, leave you to that.”

“You’re not bothering me if that’s what you’re worried about,” Bruce chuckles as a spark flies out of the chip, “ _Damn it,_ ” he pauses, “ok, yeah, maybe it’s best you go. This isn’t going as I was hoping.”

 

* * *

 

You eventually made your way down to the combat training area and decided to watch for a while, it was pretty cool! Seeing how many talented people were working here was amazing.

“ _Hey Y/N, impressed?_ ”

You look over and see Sam and Rhodey walking up to you, “Actually yeah, a lot of this stuff I’ve never seen before. Natasha is incredible.”

Sam laughs, “I’ve never heard someone call her that.”

You bite your lip and look to the men, “Oh my God, is that _bad_ or something?”

Sam shakes his head, “No, no, you’re right, it’s just, most people don’t say it out loud,”

“Yeah,” Rhodey chuckles lightly, “Nat can be a bit intimidating.”

“Oh, well it’s true,” you smile and start watching everyone again.

A few minutes go by before any of you say anything, then Sam speaks up, “Nice shirt by the way.”

You groan, “Don’t you start making fun of my shirt too,” you frown and look down at it, “Tony didn’t like it either. Is it really that bad?”

Sam chuckles, “Nah, it’s cute, Wanda’s right?”

You nod and Rhodey crosses his arms, “I’m surprised Tony gave you shit. He’s had his share of cheesy shirts. You got better taste though,” he pauses and you smile, “Wanda and Barton treatin’ you ok?”

You smile shyly, “Yeah, they’ve been really nice, I like them a lot.”

Rhodey nods, “Hopefully you get to see that the rest of us are too.”

“Some more than others,” Sam chuckles, “well, we have to get back to training, it was nice to talk to you though hun,” you wave to them as they walk to the mats where Natasha is waiting.

“ _So how’s the adventure going?_ ”

You jump a bit not realizing someone new had come up next to you. You turn to see Bucky with his arms crossed smiling at you, “Oh, um, hi Sergeant,” you smile, “pretty good, it’s a big place though.”

“I warned you,” he chuckles, “took me a while to get use to the place.”

“So, how long have you been here?”

He narrows his eyes, thinking, “About 2 years, it was an adjustment, but I like it now,” he smiles over you.

You nod and take a deep calming breath, “I’m hoping I eventually like it too, so far so good.”

“Can I ask you something though?”

You bite your lip and cross your arms, “Um, sure.”

He continues his questioning without looking at you, “I got this feeling that chess and you don’t mix well.”

“Well that’s not really a question.”

He scoffs a bit and rolls his eyes, “Alright, fair point,” he looks to you and continues, “you got somethin’ against chess?”

“You got that from me not wanting to play?”

He smirks and looks down at the floor briefly then back to you, “I’m a spy, Y/N, I can read people pretty well,” then he shrugs, “it’s just the read I got off you. You can tell me if I’m wrong though.”

You close your eyes for a moment and start to tap your fingers against your arm, “No, you’re right, just surprised that you noticed is all,” you take a deep breath and slowly let it out, “but if you don’t mind, it’s not something I want to talk about.”

“That’s fine, you don’t owe me an explanation about _why_ , I just felt bad because you looked upset,” he looks down at the ground, slightly hurt.

You look him over, part of you wanted to touch his arm, reassure him that it wasn’t his fault, but the other part of you told you to be wary. You just met this man, you didn’t know him from a hole in the wall, so you decided to trust your gut and keep your distance— for now, “It’s nothing you did, if that helps.”

He smiles slightly, but it doesn’t meet his eyes, “Alright,” he hesitates for a moment and runs his metal hand through his hair, “I know Barton’s told you some things about me,” he bites his lip slightly and continues, “so, um, if you ever wanna talk, you can always talk to me. My room is on the other side of Barton’s, if I’m not there, I’m usually in the gym.”

You nod slowly thinking about what he’s said, “Ya know, Clint actually did tell me I should talk to you,” he looks over to you shyly, “I guess he thought you could help me,” you pause and meet his gaze, “um, has talking about your past helped you?”

He shrugs lightly, “Yeah, sometimes, but I um, I don’t remember a lot of things about my past,” he sighs, “I talk to Steve every once in a while, Sam too, and it’s helped, but they haven’t exactly been through what I have.”

You nod in understanding, “I appreciate the offer, Sergeant, but I um, I’m just not ready to talk about anything yet.”

 

* * *

 

You decided it was a good idea to stick around for dinner, everyone was being so nice and helpful that it would be rude to go hide again.

“Do you like pizza, Y/N,” Steve asks, “cause no one here feels like cooking, so I thought we’d order one.”

You nod, “Yeah, it’s been a while since I’ve had pizza.”

“Aright,” he smiles, “what kinda do you want?”

“I’ll just eat whatever you guys get, I’m not picky,” you smile at him and go to the fridge to grab a bottle of water, “anything with cheese makes me happy.”

“Get some of their three cheese pizza then,” Tony threw Steve his phone and then turns to me, “this place down the block has the _best_ pizza, we always order from them,” Steve starts dialing and walks out of the room so he could hear.

“Sounds great.”

 

* * *

 

You laugh at their stories and listen to them contently, loving how they would just tell story after story, not trying to bombard you with questions. You like being a spectator when it came to conversations anyway, you’ve always been a good listener.

“I’m still pissed that you wrapped my wings in plastic wrap,” Sam glares at Bucky from across the table, who just laughs.

“What? It was for April Fool’s,” Bucky laughs holding his stomach lightly, “I had to get you back for last year. You covered my arm in tinfoil when I fell asleep on the couch,” Sam smirks at him and chuckles.

You try to hold back a laugh, but fail and soda almost came out your nose. Bucky looks to you and let a smirk play on his lips, “You think that’s funny?”

“Umm…” you bite your lip slightly, “I’m not gonna lie, it sounds funny,” you look down at your empty plate, nervous under his gaze.

“It was,” Sam laughs along with everyone else, “it was fucking _hilarious_ because you didn’t even realize it until Barton pointed it out!”

Bucky blushes and shakes his head, “Yeah, it was funny, I guess. Not as funny as you trying to take off and landing on your ass when your wings didn’t expanded,” everyone laughs, but Sam just glares at him.

You smile at everyone laughing and decide to talk a little, “Do you all prank each other a lot?”

“These two do,” Rhodey answers while shaking his head, “every once in a while when it’s been a slow week, Sam gets bored and pranks a few of us.”

“ _Why_ do you always think it’s me?” Sam asks.

Natasha narrows her eyes, “When is it _not_ you? Do you not remember when you put post-it notes all over Tony’s suits?”

“You put post-it notes on his suits?” you ask while laughing which earned a glare from Tony.

“Yeah, he did,” Tony turns his glare to Sam, “it had to have taken him forever because they were all decorated like a rainbow.”

“Who said I did it _by myself_?” Sam looks over to Bucky who’s eyes widen.

Bucky swallows hard and takes a deep breath, “I hate you.”

Tony just chuckles to himself, “I’m not a dick guys, I can take a joke. Just be prepared for payback.”

“Anyway! _Last week,_ ” Sam gestures with his hands, “s _omeone,”_ he eyes Bucky, who was trying to avoid eye contact, “put mentos in the ice cubes. Why the _hell_ would I do that? That’s just lame.”

Bucky casually picks up the last slice of pizza, but pauses, “You want this?” you shake your head and he puts it on his plate, “Anyway, as much as I would like to take credit for that, Wilson,” he shrugs and takes a bite of his pizza, “it wasn’t me.”

Sam glares at him, “I’ll get you back.”

“I _just_ said it wasn’t me,” Bucky rolls his eyes, “maybe ask your local archer about it.”

Sam looks across the table to Clint who’s eyes widen, “Why would _I_ do that? I’m more creative than that.”

Bucky raises an eyebrow, “Are you though?”

You laugh as they continue to bicker, then glance down at your watch, and realize it’s almost midnight, “Hey, I think I’m going to call it a night, everyone.”

You head back down the hall to your bedroom after saying goodnight to everyone. You smile and hum contently to myself while walking down the hall— today was a success. Everyone here was really nice, it made you think you could start giving these people a chance.

As soon as you reach for your door, your vision goes black, and you fall to your knees.


	5. Part 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You were 18 when Hydra kidnapped you, gave you your abilities, and made you their new weapon. Now, flash-forward 9 years later and you’re living with the Avengers, trying to live with everything you did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: angst, language, details of torture, being in the hospital, and blackouts.
> 
> Notes: Please let me know what you guys think! It helps me get better at this lol

Bucky sits at the table contently listening to everyone make small talk. Sam was drowning on and on about some football game that he was going to be on in a fews days. He was so excited about it because his favorite team was going up against Bucky's favorite team. He was half listening when Natasha speaks up, changing the subject, “Y/N’s really sweet," she says smiling while getting up from her chair to put her dishes in the sink, “I like her.”

“Wow,” Sam chuckles, “that’s saying something cause you don’t like a lot of people,” she glares at him and he shrugs.

It’s not that Natasha doesn’t like many people, it’s that she doesn’t _trust_ many people. She’s lived her entire life as a spy, having to be careful of who she told what, and not having many close friends besides Clint and Steve. Being an Avenger hasn't changed much, expect that now she sort of has a family, a _slightly_ dysfunctional one, but it was enough to make her happy. She didn’t really know much about you, but Natasha’s _always_ been a good judge of character, and she could tell that you were going to thrive here.

“I think she’ll fit in great,” Tony says leaning back in his chair with his hands behind his head, “once she gets settled in and feels safe,” he nods to Natasha, “I think it’s best if you train her, help her get back into shape.”

The most important to Tony r _ight now_ was your safety and happiness. He doesn't know everything that you went thought while you were with Hydra, but he knew enough to know you need positivity and good people around you. Here, he knew you'd get all of that and more. The reason he trusted Natasha to train you was because she knows what it's like to be used as a weapon, she's been there done that. He knew Natasha would be the best one to help build your confidence back up _and_ convince you that you truly do matter in this world.

Natasha smiles back at Tony, “Sure thing."

Steve nods in agreement, thinking Natasha would be perfect, "That's still a while off though," he then turns his gaze to Bruce, "Banner, how is she _really_ doing?”

Bruce had told Steve about your incident the other night and it concerned him, not only for your safety, but for the rest of the team as well. Steve isn’t sure how you’re coping with your life now or if you even _are_. Considering everything that's happened, he wants to know how you’re really doing, but he didn't want to ask you about it, afraid of upsetting you, he believes that Bruce is the next best person.

Bruce purses his lips and runs a hand through his hair nervously, "She still needs some time. She's not ready for active duty if that's what you're wanting,” he pauses, “she can't control the capacity of her powers yet, due to the environmental changes and the stress she's under," he sighs and stands up from his chair, "that incident a few nights ago has me worried for her safety.”

Bruce has never been the kind of person to be able to sit down and listen to others problems, he doesn’t exactly have the best temperament for that. Yet with you, he didn’t mind if you ranted to him or told him about your past, the fact that you trust him enough made him feel special. He knew things about you that no one else did and he has _always_ respected your wish to not tell anyone else about the things you two discuss. He really wants to help you, he wants to make sure that you thrive here and finally feel like this is your home. Seeing you struggle the past few weeks has truly upset him, so when you asked him for his help, he didn’t hesitate to agree.

"Just _her_ safety?" Steve raises an eyebrow.

Tony stands up next to Bruce and narrows his eyes defensively, not liking Steve’s tone at all, "She's not dangerous, Rogers. I wouldn't have brought her here if I thought she was.”

Steve glances at Tony briefly, "I know that and I'm not saying she is,” he then turns back to Bruce, "I'm just playing devil's advocate for the moment. Is it possible that she could harm anyone? Whether is be accidental or not.”

"No, these incidents seem to occur while she’s sleeping,” Bruce glances at Tony and he nods for him to continue, "she did ask for my help, so we,” gesturing to Tony and himself, "are working on an implant that can help her control her abilities.”

Steve was about to respond when Bucky cuts him off, "How much help does she need?"

The room goes quiet as everyone slowly looks to Bucky, shocked at his question. Not only did he surprise the others, but he also surprised himself. He didn’t mean to voice his question out loud, he was really just talking to himself. It’s too late now to take back his words, so he sighs to himself and looks to Tony and Bruce, waiting for an answer.

Tony raises an eyebrow at him, confused by his sudden change in character, “She doesn't trust herself, Barnes," he speaks directly to Bucky, hoping to ease the soldiers mind, "so we're going to help her with that, it's not a permanent thing. Just until she feels confident in her abilities.”

Bucky nods in understanding, knowing what it's like to not have trust in yourself, he was about to comment when he hears a loud thud that interrupts his thoughts. He looks in the direction it came from and realizes that it came from the hallway that led to the bedrooms. Since there’s only one of the team missing, it put him on edge, worried that it has something to do with you.

Bucky looks to Steve who's already looking at him, the worry in his face shows clearly, so it's obvious that he’s thinking the same thing, “Did you hear that too?”

Steve nods sharply, “I hope it’s not what I think, come on," he bolts from his chair and Bucky follows, right behind him.

Since Steve and Bucky were the only ones who heard it, everyone else just gave each other confused looks hoping someone had an idea for what just happened.

" _What the fuck_?" Tony asks, confusion etched on his face.

Soon everyone runs after the two soldiers down the hall and up the stairs, toward the direction of the bedrooms. Both Steve and Bucky aren’t exactly sure what's going on as they run down the hall, but they figure it can't be good. When everyone gets to where the noise came from, they find you, collapsed right in front of your door, laying on your side, pale, and not moving.

"Shit," Bucky says running over and kneeling beside you, “Y/N, are you ok?”

As Bucky looks you over, trying to any signs of what had happened to you, as Steve presses the back of his hand to your forehead, "She's burning up! We need to get her to medical, now," Steve moves to kneel beside you and picks you up, “I got her, let’s move,”

 

* * *

 

"Other than her high fever and unconsciousness, I can't say what's wrong with her. Her CBC came back normal and all of her scans are normal.”

Helen was currently briefing the team about your condition. They've all been in the medical ward for 4 hours, too worried to leave you, thinking Helen would discover what was wrong, and you would finally wake up. Unfortunately, you were still unconscious and there weren't any clues about what had made you collapse. They’ve done blood work, EEG, EKG, MRI, x-rays, and anything else Bruce and Tony could think of.

"So what are you saying,” Sam asks arms crossed and practically scowling at Helen, “that she's just, sleeping?"

"If that's how you want to think of it, yeah," Helen sighs and shakes her head slowly, "I'll keep her on IV fluids, monitor her condition, and notify you guys if anything changes. We just have to wait and see if she wakes up.”

" _If,_ " Wanda interrupts, "you mean she could just stay this way?”

"It's hard to tell right now, she's been through so much," Helen answers glancing back at you in your hospital bed, “it’s all up to her now.”

 

* * *

  

You heard _everyone_ , felt _everything_ , but not a soul knew. You heard Bucky and Steve running down the hallway towards you, felt Steve's hand on your forehead, and felt him pick you up to carry you while he ran. You knew about every single test they did, how each one came back normal, but you couldn't move, you could talk, you felt trapped in your own body.

When you were with Hydra, blackouts were common, none of the scientists or doctors there could figure out why you had them, so they couldn’t fix it. After a few years into your captivity, you came to the conclusion that it was just a side effect of your powers, along with the vomiting, tingling hands, and the _constant_ migraines. On one particular occasion you discovered that if you had too much emotional stress and not much sleep, you could tap into this side effect and then use it to your advantage. The blackouts _never_ lasted more than two days, which gave your body time to recoup from whatever mission they just threw at you or whatever torture session had just occurred.

However, _this_ particular blackout was different and you were terrified. It frightened you because this wasn't something you did yourself, you didn't want this, you felt as if you were losing control. You thought you were getting better, so this random blackout made no sense. All you wanted was to wake up and go hide away in your room. _Forever_.

 

* * *

 

**FOUR DAYS LATER**

Youbolt upright out of bed, struggling to breathe, heart racing. One arm holds your chest and the other grips someone's hand, as if your life depends on it. You didn't know what made you suddenly wake up, but you're so thankful. You feel slightly dazed and on edge, until you realize that you're not alone.

"Woah, woah, calm down. You're ok," you recognize the voice as Tony’s and calm down immediately.

You close your eyes, trying to steady your breathing, but don’t let go of his hand, "How long have I been out?”

"Four days," you look over and see Clint in the corner of the room staring at you, "you gave us quite a scare, hun.”

Ever since Steve brought you to the medical ward, Clint hasn’t left your side; he felt drained since he got back from his mission the day you collapsed, but you were more important than sleep. He was worried beyond belief and he wanted to be there for when you finally woke up. Everyone stopped by to make sure he was doing all right, brought him some food, a couple books, Natasha even tried to coax him out, saying there was nothing he could do, but he was determined to stay put.

You look away from Clint and stare at the wall in front of you, “ _Four_ _days_?” You take a shaky breath, “I’m sorry, guys, I didn't think this would happen.”

Tony stands up letting go of your hand and crosses his arms, "You mean this has happened before?”

"Yeah, but I,” you stop and look between both men shyly, “I, I'm not sure I wanna talk about it right now.”

Tony sighs and rubs the back of his neck, "Let me go get Banner, maybe he can help. I'll be right back.”

He walks out of the room and leaves you with Clint, who moves from the far corner to the chair Tony had abandoned. You lay back down and take a deep breath, this isn’t something you want to talk to anyone about. You already told Bruce everything that had happened to you— except this. You don’t want to talk about it, ever. It’s not something you’re proud of, you thought it made you sound weak.

“Alright, sweetheart,” Clint says, interrupting your thoughts, “what’s goin’ on? You’re making me worry.”

You smile at his words, to which he raises an eyebrow confused, “Sorry, I just,” you scoff, “I haven’t had anyone actually _care_ about me for some time. It's reassuring I guess.”

He frowns slightly and nods, “Then you’d probably be surprised how many people here are worried about you.”

You smile flatly and shrug, “You’re probably right.”

Clint sighs and asks again, “You gonna tell me what’s going on?”

As you’re thinking of _something_ to tell him, Tony and Bruce walk back into the room. Bruce smiles at you, relieved to see you awake, finally.

"Y/N, how are you?" Bruce asks walking up to the foot of the bed, "Tony said you needed to talk.”

You glare at Tony who didn't say anything, just gives you a look that sorta reminded you of a concerned father, "I don't need to talk. I'm fine and awake. Can I go back to my room now?" You try to get up, but Clint stops you.

"Not yet, sweetheart,” he gently eases you back on to the bed, "we need to figure out what's going on.”

As Clint's talking, Helen walks in, "Y/N, it's good to see you awake," she smiles and walks over to the many monitors on my left, "everything here is normal, heart rate is a little high, but that's to be expected," she turns back around to face everyone, "I told the team she's awake, they're all anxious to see her.”

You furrow your brows at her, "They are?"

Clint shakes his head, "Don't sound so shocked, I just told you that everyone here cares about you."

"They're gonna have to wait a bit," Bruce interrupts and turns his attention back to you, "has this ever happened to you before?"

You hesitate for a moment, but eventually answer truthfully, “Yes.”

Bruce's eyes widen slightly and he begins his questioning, needing to know everything, "When? How often?"

"Look, it's no big deal. I'm fine now," you fake a smile, but they all see through it.

Tony shakes his head, "Don't make us do more tests on you, hun, we only want to help,” when you still hesitate he sighs lowly, “you’re with family now, try and trust us, please?”

You groan at his attempt to guilt trip you and cross your arms, "Fine. Can I just, don’t take offense,” you look to Tony and then Clint, “but can I just talk to Dr. Banner, alone?”

Tony, Clint, and Helen all look at each other then to Bruce who just nods, "Yeah, of course. You guys mind stepping outside?”

Tony hesitates slightly, while Clint and Helen make their way toward the door. He knows you're private about your past, he understands because of the few things he read in your Hydra file. However, he wishes you could trust him like you do Bruce, after all he knows all too well what PTSD is like, and he believes he can help you cope. Knowing you don’t mean to offend him, he sighs, and eventually follows Clint out the door.

Once the door is shut Bruce speaks, "Alright, so what's going on?" He moves to sit down in the chair that Clint left empty.

“I’m starting to feel like your my personal psychologist,” you shake your head and scoff a bit to yourself, “I’m sorry to have to share so much with you.”

He shakes his head, “I told you before, I’m here to help, I truly don’t mind,” he gives you a reassuring smile, “now, tell me everything.”

You take a deep breath and let it out slowly, "Alright, I haven't told anyone this cause I didn't think it would be a big deal," you shift on your bed so you could face him better, “a few years after I got my powers, I had a sudden blackout after my first mission. It stressed me out severely because of the things they made me do, all the killing, the lying, it just caused me so much pain," you take a slow deep breath to steady yourself, "anyway, the blackout laid me up for two days in their hospital. They did a whole bunch of tests and blood work, but never found out what caused it, just wrote it off as a freak accident. When I finally did wake up, I was as good as new, almost better really,” you hesitate slightly and look down at the floor, “then it happened again about two weeks later after a torture session that left me with 4 broken ribs, a broken nose, and a grade 3 concussion," you slowly take in a breath to prevent any tears from falling, "after those two incidents I learned that the blackouts were caused by either severe amounts of stress _or_ I could induce them myself. In order to do it myself, I had to have a clear mind, which was always difficult, but it was possible if I was desperate enough.”

He looks to you with narrowed eyes and leans forward resting his elbows on his knees, "Are you saying that you can _induce_ these blackouts on your own?”

You shrug, "I was able to for a short period of time, four times actually. I never told anyone because it's not something I'm exactly proud of. It makes me sound weak and fragile, which I _know_ that I’m far from," you cross your arms and scowl at the wall behind Bruce.

"It doesn't make you weak. You’ve survived _insane_ amounts of torture and experiments. You're the strongest woman I've ever met," he stands up and walks up to your bedside, "it looks like I’ve got some serious work to do on your chip though.”

You tilt your head out of confusion, “What do you mean?”

He shifts his weight to one foot and crosses his arms, “Well, I’m going to have to alter a few things now because of this blackout issue. Then I’ll need FRIDAY to run some more tests on it,” he smiles and pats your hand, “I’m confident that it’ll help you, I just need a few more days, alright?”

You smile and nod, “Ok, yeah, thank you so much!”

"Of course," he takes his hand back and puts it in his pocket, "now, get some rest."


	6. Part 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You were 18 when Hydra kidnapped you, gave you your abilities, and made you their new weapon. Now, flash-forward 9 years later and you’re living with the Avengers, trying to live with everything you did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: none really, mentions of torture, mostly fluff
> 
> Notes: Please let me know what you guys think! It helps me get better at this lol

Bruce had left a few minutes ago, so now you were just laying in bed, thinking things over. You weren’t upset about the blackout anymore, you were more interested about the chip Tony and Bruce were working on. You instantly regretted not having ask Bruce more about it, but you were positive he’d tell you more when it was actually finished. Hopefully, that would be sooner than later, you were ready to start feeling better.

As you lay in your hospital bed, staring at the ceiling, you suddenly hear a small knock at the door, "Hey Y/L/N, um, it's Steve. Can I come in?”

You furrow your brows together, in confusion. Why was Steve here? It's not that you didn't like him, he seemed nice and everything, you just hadn't really talked to him much. Then again you hadn't talked to most of the team. You sigh sharply, positive he was just trying to be nice, might as well do the same.

While not taking your eyes off the ceiling, you answer him, "Sure, come on in.”

The door slowly opened to reveal a tired looking Steve, he glances around the room slowly, and steps inside. He closes the door behind him, and walks to the foot of you bed, giving you a small smile.

Steve's never been good around people outside of the team, not that he's shy, it was more that he doesn’t know how to relate to them. He was alive when things were completely different, no internet, no cell phones, TV was even black and white, he was still trying to adjust to it all. Friends were even hard to come by, trust was important to Steve and it was hard to find people that were genuine. Since you were on the team now, he wanted to try to get to know you, wanted to give you a chance to prove yourself before he made any snap judgments. The truth was, he was beginning to worry about you, despite Bruce's insistence that you were awake and getting back to normal. Even in the small time you’ve been here, you had already crept your way into his heart, and it kinda freaked him out.

He clears his throat lightly before he speaks, "So, um, how are you?”

You sit up on your bed, so that you can see him better, and tilt your head slightly. He was wearing dark blue jeans and a tight fitting maroon long sleeve shirt. His hair was slightly disheveled and his eyes didn't have the normal sparkle that you remember. You silently wonder what could be on his mind to make him look so upset.

After looking him over, deciding that he probably wouldn’t want to talk about it, you answer him, "I'm conscious.”

"That's good," he nods in approval barely meeting your eyes, "Banner said that he's going to be placing that chip soon, so that’s good," he crosses his arms, "are you nervous?”

“No,” you say flatly, which was true, you’ve been through worse things. This was going to be a piece of cake and you’d be asleep, something you weren’t so lucky with when you were being tortured.

"Really? I think I would be," he chuckles to himself.

"I've had worse," you fold your hands across your stomach, "Bruce said it'll help me. I trust him.”

He nods in agreement, "He's a good man.”

You've never really been good with people, it's understandable since people haven't really been good to you. It's hard for you to trust after everything you've been through, but you're slowly getting better. You aren't really sure why Steve was here, standing in front of you, looking a mess. Part of you was wondering what his true motive was, but the _good_ in you hoped that he just cared, "Why are you here, Captain?”

He furrows his brows, slightly offended, but understanding your curiosity. Tony told him before you even moved in that you may be hesitant or blunt around everyone for a while. He needed to be honest with you if you were ever going to trust him.

“Well, Buck and I were the first to find you— you had us scared. I wanted to make sure you were getting better," he gives you a weak smile.

You nod slowly, "Thank you, sir, but to be honest, I barely know you.”

Steve's eyes grow wide and he furrows his brows, "You barely know Stark, yet you seem to trust him so much more.”

You sit up more in bed and lean your back against a pillow, "Why do you care who I trust and who I don’t?"

“I just want you to feel like you can trust all of us— not just a few," Steve ran a hand through his blonde hair, "we're like a family here.”

He seemed to really care about his team, it was endearing. He was everything a Captain should be, strong-willed, caring, courageous, and willing to go above and beyond for his team. You had heard stories about him during your Hydra days, things they wanted you to know. The way they hated and seemed to envy Steve, made you want to be more like him, not hunt him down like they had wanted. You trusted him— you really did— but _something_ inside of you screamed to still have your shields up. Even though you hadn’t known anyone here for very long, they seemed to care and wanted to earn your trust. You did trust a few, like Clint and Bruce, but you really did want to feel at home here with everyone. You were just getting defensive for no reason, which was something you had to deal with and fix on your own.

You sigh, "My apologies. I promise to _try_ and become closer with you guys,” you hesitate for a moment than take a deep breath, "I just need some time before I can trust _everyone_. It's nothing personal.”

Steve nods, "Bucky went through the same thing, so I get it. It took him a long time before he even trusted himself," he looks at the ground then back to you, "ya know, he might be someone you could talk to. He's been through some similar things.”

You fiddle with your fingers nervously in your lap, "Yeah, um, he told me I could. I just, I’m not ready to share with anyone else yet. Dr. Banner is the only one who knows what really happened to me. Clint knows little things, nothing severe,” you shake my head looking at the ceiling for a moment, “Mr. Stark might know some things, he read my Hydra file.”

Steve nods and sighs, "No pressure, healing takes time. It's time for you to put yourself first, you deserve it," he smiles and you smile back, "let me know if you need anything, ok?”

You nod, "Thank you, Captain," he laughs lightly and you raise a brow, “what?"

He shakes his head and raises a hand defensively, "It's nothing. It's just— are you always so formal?”

You furrow your brows together, thinking to yourself. Calling men by their rank and being formal was something that had been ingrained into your brain while being with Hydra. Plus, your parents raised you to be respectfully to those who deserved it. Just one more thing that you had to change, clearly it was odd to others.

You bite your lip lightly and shrug, "I don't know. With a few people, I guess. I mean, you call me by my last name.”

He shrugs, "Yeah, but I do that with everyone.”

You roll your eyes, ”Whatever," you wrinkle your nose, "I just feel awkward calling you _Steve_." 

"Well, get use to it because that's my name," he winks and you feel your face grow hot, “I’ll see you later, Y/L/N.”

 

* * *

 

Wanda had stopped by after Steve had left and brought you some books she thought you would like. You hadn't had much time to read lately, so you were thrilled! You missed reading, you read a lot while growing up in Germany. Your favorites were books you could learn something from, science types— probably why you had such an interest in biology while at LMU.

It was about 6 o'clock in the evening and you were in the middle of the book, _Artemis_ , when there was a light knock at the door. Without wanting to look up from the book, you call out, "It's open!”

You hear the door open and a deep voice say, “Um, am I bothering you?”

You look up from the book and find Bucky, the last person you thought would stop by and see you, “Oh, um, no sir,” you mark your place with a bookmark and close it, "I didn't expect to see you while I was here.”

Bucky was still standing in the doorway, looking slightly uncomfortable, clearly he wasn't good at talking to people either. He looked a lot like Steve, meaning he seemed tired, like he hadn't slept in a few days or at least not a lot. He looked at the floor while he answered you, “Yeah, well, I'm the only one who hasn't stopped by.”

He was right, even Vision stopped by earlier with Wanda, he didn't say much, but it was nice to see him. He had explained the chip a bit too you, although as smart as you were, he wasn’t making any sense, but you thanked him nonetheless. Sam came by too, he even brought you some German chocolate, which was nice, even though you preferred the dark stuff. Then Natasha stopped by before leaving for a mission, she brought you a cellphone that she insisted you use to keep in touch with her and everyone else.

You look to him skeptically, "So you came by because you felt guilty?”

"Not exactly," he walked over to the chair on your right and sat down, "I wanted to make sure you were getting better.”

You pursed your lips and shrug, "I suppose I'm better— I’m conscious anyway.”

Bucky smiled slightly and looked you over, "I can see that.”

You bit your bottom lip, a bit nervous under his gaze, "Um, so Steve said that you and him were the ones who found me." 

He stiffened a bit, “Oh, um, he told you about that?”

"Yeah," you met his soft blue eyes and smiled, "thank you.”

He blinked slowly and then tilted his head, "For what?”

You chuckle lightly, "Well, if it wasn't for your super soldier hearing, who knows what would've happened.”

"Oh, well, um, you're welcome then," he shifts awkwardly in his chair.

Bucky wasn't exactly use to gratitude, not that people didn't say _thank you_ to him, more that it was a rarity. So, for you to actually be thankful for something he did, made him feel, a bit _strange_. None the less, he appreciated your kindness, especially since he didn't think he deserved it.

You narrow your eyes at him a bit, noticing he seemed uncomfortable, "What's wrong?”

"Nothing," he answered a little too quickly, "um, ok, maybe something.”

You shift in your bed a bit, so that you can see him better, "Well, what is it?”

"It's no big deal, honest. It's just," he sighed and leaned forward resting his elbows on his knees, "Steve said he was worried about you and that I should come chat with you.”

You knew you shouldn't have been upset by what he said. The fact that Steve cared enough to send his best friend to talk to you was heartwarming. It was just something about the way Bucky said it that upset you. He sounded like he didn't even want to be here with you at all, that he was only here as a favor to Steve.

You glare at him and cross your arms, "Is that the only reason why you're here? Because your _Captain_ told you too?"

He looked you dead in the eyes and answered, "If I said _no_ would you even believe me?”

You narrow your eyes, "At this point, I wouldn't believe a word you said, Sergeant.”

He smirked playfully, "Steve was right, you really are a polite girl.”

You weren't sure if he meant that as a compliment, either way, it irked you more, "If you don't want to be here, just get the fuck _out,_ " you snap, opening your book back up.

He raised a shocked eyebrow at you, “You have a mouth on you too,” you just glare at your book harder, seeing that you weren’t going to respond he continued, “I never said that I _didn't_ want to be here," he leaned back in his chair, "I just posed a question that’s all.”

Not looking up from your book, but not reading it either, "Then why are you here?" 

"I told you," he answered, "I wanted to make sure you were gettin’ better.”

It took everything in you to hold back a smile. He was starting to seem genuine, which was a nice change from his earlier comments. Maybe Steve was right, perhaps talking to Bucky would help, even if it was just small talk.

"Alright, Sergeant," you look back up from my book, "you can see that I'm better. Is there something you actually wished to discuss?”

He shrugged, "I'll talk if you wanna talk, otherwise, I'm fine with just sitting here in silence.”

You tilt your head while thinking. Did you want to talk about anything? You weren't sure. You knew you weren't going to share anything about your past, at least not yet. You didn't know much about Bucky, other than the fact that he use to be the Winter Soldier. Therefore, you only knew the bad things, about who he use to be, you could already see he wasn’t like that anymore. You did promise Steve that you would try to get along with everyone here, might as well start with his best friend. You take a deep breath and asked a random question, "Do you like to read?”

Thrown off by your question, Bucky hesitates before he answers, "Um, I don't really have time to read," he smirks slightly, "it would be nice if I did.”

"You have time now," you gesture to the books over in the corner, "Wanda brought me those, you can borrow one if you want.”

He glances over at the pile of books on the table, then meets your eyes again, "I guess sitting here staring at you would be considered _weird_."

You feel your face flush and quickly turn back to your book, "Yeah, um, that would be weird.”

He chuckles while he stands up and goes over to where all of the books are, "So Wanda brought you all of these?”

You smile big, “Yeah! She heard from Barton that I miss reading, so she brought me a few she thought I’d like.”

“A few? There’s gotta be like twenty here,” he looks through them and eventually picked up the first Game of Thrones book.

You nod toward the book in his hand, "Those are good.”

"I feel like the only one who hasn't read them," he looks at it and walks back over to the chair, "everyone here has read the books and even watches the show.”

"I haven't watched the show _because_ I've read the books," you laugh a little, "movies and TV shows are usually worse than the book.”

He shrugs and sits back down, "I wouldn't know," he pauses for a moment then looks back at you cautiously, "um, is it ok if I stay here for a bit? Or do you wanna be alone?”

Oddly enough, it was nice to have him there. He was teasing you like you were _normal_ and it was really comforting. Everyone else that visited you today kept treating you like you were a wounded kitten that needed rescuing. You knew they didn't mean any harm, but you secretly hated it. Bucky wasn’t drilling you about what happened, why it happened, asking questions about your past, or anything— it was refreshing.

"You can stay," you hesitate, “you’re, um, different from everyone else.”

Bucky furrowed his brows while he sat back down, thinking about what you just said. He's heard it before, but it was usually said because no one understood _why_ he was different, "Um, in a bad way?”

You giggle and look up to meet his eyes, "In a good way."

 

* * *

 

Bucky got about halfway through the book when he happened to glance up at the clock and realize that it was close to midnight, "Shit, it's late. I should get going.”

He closed the book, then looked to you, and chuckled slightly, seeing that you were completely passed out. He hadn’t even realized that you fell asleep, he was too busy reading. Even though you both spent all evening together in silence, it was nice. With everyone else here, it was awkward when it fell silent— except with Steve. You were so different, it was refreshing for him. You made him feel normal, like he wasn’t some freak with a metal arm that didn’t belong. He thought to himself that maybe one day you would learn to trust him. He sighs and then shakes his head, then again probably not.

Bucky mentally shakes himself, bringing him back to reality. He looks back to your sleeping form, smiling at how peaceful you looked. Your hair was partially covering your face as you lay on the pillow, head turned on it's side facing him. The blanket was tucked around your legs and the book you had been reading was half open on your waist. No part of him wanted to wake you up, he knew you were still recouping from what had happened, you needed your rest.

Bucky gets up from his chair and makes his way over to your side. He gently takes the book out from under your hands, laying it on the bedside table, making sure to mark the page it was open to. He slowly pulls the blanket up and over you, he couldn't have you getting cold, which was kinda funny considering your powers. Tilting his head he looks you over, you looked so peaceful— beautiful really. To think that you had the ability to kill people, to do things that he once did, it shocked him, you were so fragile. Smiling gently he turned off the bedside lamp and walked to the door, looking at you once last time before he left. With the door shut behind him, he smiled to himself, at least he thought it was to himself.

"Look at you, Barnes. Sneaking out of a girl's room.”

Bucky turns around quickly and sees Tony leaning against the wall opposite the door, arms crossed and smiling, "What do you want, Stark?”

“Nothing," he smirked, “friendly reminder though, I have cameras everywhere,” Bucky rolls his eyes and heads down the hall, but Tony only follows, “Rogers didn’t ask you to stop in and talk to her.”

“What’s your point?”

“Um, you lied to her,” Tony chuckled, “why can’t you just tell her the truth? That you wanted to see her. She’d probably be flattered.”

That makes Bucky stop in his tracks, “What makes you think I _wanted_ to see her?”

“I’m not an idiot,” Bucky just looks at him and Tony rolls his eyes, “you were concerned when we talked about implanting a chip in her. You care what happens to her.”

Bucky scoffs and looks at the wall behind Tony, “I do not.”

“Bullshit,” Tony growled back, “the girl needs someone who cares. Someone who understands what she’s been through,” he rubbed the back of his neck, “and whether I like it or not— that someone is you.”

Bucky takes a deep breath, “You know her better than I do, Stark, but what I _do know_ is that she’s not going to talk to me about what happened to her. I was the same way for the longest time. She can talk to Banner, hell, she can even talk to Barton.”

“Just be her friend, you idiot,” Bucky glares at him and starts walking down the hall again, but Tony still follows, “the rest of us are trying, but she didn’t invite us to hangout in her hospital room for hours. Maybe she’ll open up to you.”

“Why me?” Bucky asks, “She tells Banner _everything,_ she can talk to him. _Hell_ , she would probably talk to you before me.”

“Look," Tony moves in front of Bucky, making him stop, “I’m not asking you to force anything out of her or even to search her out when she’s hiding. Just, I don’t know, it took you _months_ to even have a full conversation with _me_. I don’t want it to be that way around here for her.”

As much as Bucky wanted to argue with Tony, tell him he was out of his damn mind and to fuck off, he couldn't do it. Tony's idea wasn't horrible, he wanted to do whatever it took to make you feel safe here, not that he'd tell anyone that. Listening to Tony practically _beg_ him to do it, clearly meant that he cared about you too.

Bucky sighed, feeling defeated, “But what am I suppose to talk to her about?”

Tony slowly blinks at him, completely dumbfounded by his question, “Things she likes,” he continues, “she loves reading right? Ask her about her favorite books! Wanda says that she loves dogs, ask her what her favorite kind of dog is or what other animals she likes. Ask about her favorite color or some shit, I don’t know. Have you never talked to a person before?”

Bucky clenches his teeth and glares at him, “Fuck you, Stark. You know how hard it is for me to make small talk with people.”

Tony smirked, “It was a joke, RoboCop,” he raked his brain a bit more and continued with suggestions, “I wouldn’t ask about her family. Very touchy subject— so avoid it. She went to LMU for Microbiology, so if you feel up to if you could talk to her about science. Then again that might be out of _your_ element.”

Bucky rolls his eyes, “Alright, Stark, thanks for the insults. I’ll be going now.”

Tony put his hand out and stopped him, “Does that mean you’ll try?”

Bucky hesitates for just a moment, “Yeah, I’ll try. I don’t know why you think this will work, but whatever.”


End file.
